Word for the day (or night) - - NyekLats..!!! (o_0)

Currently (11:14pm) getting close to insanity(already have 4 pages)..
2 pages.. 3 pages.. 4 pages.. 5 pages.. argh..
i just realized that writing something about an observation 3 months ago in one night is quite agonizing... NyekLats!i finished at 11:54, with six pages of 1,818 words... and what a mess i made to my brain after i dug it all out to search for long-gone memories...


Just got (about 2pm til 6pm) in love with..
she caught my eye as i passed by her window. a sudden stop to my hasty feet - and there she was.. as if she was staring back at me.. all captivating beauty.. her skin looked so smooth, its color much alive.. her face was white, elegantly poised above her neck..
she looked so tender - tender but strong.. she looked so fair - fair but fiery.. she looked so charming - and it was as if a violent mysterious breeze of passion continously blew between her and me..
i stood motionless for what seemed like forever and a half day.. after another blink, the chaos that the people around us made pulled me back to my senses... then i walked away.. i only realized after a few strides that the people around us wasn't the enemy.. time was our undefeatable foe.. NyekLats!!

yah.. she just caught me and i got speechless.. but then i just walked away.. not because im shy-shy.. (pero pwede din >_< ) it wasnt time yet for us to be.. cos i dint have enough money when i saw her.. o_0 NyekLats! gulay, was she damn pretty!! with her thin-bloody-red body (it would be a darker color if it was a thick-bloody red) and her snow-white nylon tip.. uyeah! just the perfect stick for me.. i just fell in love.. and i bought her today! hwaha! o_0 and used her immediately (or pwede ding "bininyagan" sa pilo) for band rehearsal!!! arrgghh!! my first pair of sticks that i fell in love with... owel.. i said once that its not in the sticks - the sticks doesn't matter.. but who cares anyways.. she's the prettiest pair i ever had.. NyekLats...

>> btw: i named her "Vladi" (hehe, panlalaki ba?).. lam mo na.. Vladi, as in Vladi-red.. hwahahah! (o_0)

Status (8am til 2pm?): unknown...
i still cant believe it.. walking towards the jeepney 'station' (with all the annoyances because its in front of a market..) i still cant comprehend what was happening.. sitting comfy inside an air-conditioned bus, my head still cant grasp hte complex thought... so i just, as always, let God's plan work out, diving into the waves again and letting myself be carried away according to His will..
i just got there.. not myself.. i dunno.. i dint greet the person who opened the gate for me (suplado..) - i came back to thinking hard about it and trying to understand... nyeklats..
i washed my face first before entering the room. i was almost late.. only a few more delegates came in before we started.. Ron was there (sawa na.. hehe..), plus benjie, and Jezreel (i remember that he was my lc-dc 2k4mate,i dint ask if he knew..).. still thinking why, how, why, how..
i just answered the get-to-know-me,get-to-know-you quiestions as sane as i can.. then jo came, i saw her looking at me, all smiles, pointing her thumbs up, implying in human-hand-lingo that something was ok - it was the P1600 'surprise' ship fare.. WHA?! so it was true.. i got it, my brain grasped that indeed, i will be able to step into that Humayon campsite, but still not sure if i can step out, if i have to, if, how, why.. then the staff and counselors introduced themselves, then some late-comers (from UPLB and PNU..??) then the interview....

whole story was.. KC was not included in my plans.. i rejected the thought of KC lingering in my head.. i ignore voices that bring it up.. i encouraged one churchmate (hehe) to join it, instead of me - and il be more than willing to help him get to that KC.. i formulated every excuse that i can make why i should not (or cant.. or will not.. or..) go to KC... i also rejected one by one.. and sometimes rejected them all - - those opportunities esp in leadership, where i can be used more for His glory..

but.. but.. but.. i forgot that i got ala-Isaiah one december night (actually, i also forgot when.. i think it was a month or two earlier..) .. and prayed "here i am Lord, use me..!!!!!" (waah.. weird. psycho. it came from deep inside of me, but i did not like the reality...) and my big God did answer.. it was confusing.. i made every effort not to hear his whisper-SSsss.. but once he whispers to you...nyeklats..

and then there i was, sitting, shivering (hehe,cos i was wearing shorts, plus shirt naman syempre.. summertime dud!), facing this staff, this ate chiri, who, at times said "ay, pareho tayo.. ako din dati ganyan.. tapos ganito.." and "wala namang leader na hindi naging reluctant eh" (eh pano po si Daniel..? haha, yeah, i was stupid enough to ask it.. o_0 just got curious! chaos was already happening in my mind, and it just popped out so suddenly out of my mouth..) "eh ibang context yun.." and etc.. nyeklats..and God used her.. showed the blessings behind his whisper-SSsss.. the blessings that i covered with fear, with doubt, with reluctance, with mediocrity, with..
it is confusing.. until now..

i cant believe.. i now rejoice.. i cant comprehend.. i now praise His work.. i cant grasp.. but i now thank God for esbi, my churchmates, my tatay, my nanay, my jeepney driver, my bus seatmate.. that interview, and ate chiri (waaah!!!! saya ko po kahit nakalimutan ko hiramin yung Basic Christianity... hehe =) )...

then excitement..

i am weak... am full of doubt, of fears, of uncontrollable passions, of stubborn drives, of pride, of suppressed rage, of frustrations, of, of.. of the worst something that you can think of.... - i am the worst - and i feel that they are stuck right in front of my face.. and i always try to hide it with the biggest smile that i can make..

i am incapable.. i am insufficient as myself.. i am worthless...... and i write the most incoherent papers and articles and blogs...

but my big God loves me anyhow.... only in Him, can i be a somebody..
and i want to be the best somebody that i can for Him..

KC na!