im having an intense feeling that my world is tearing apart.

things are getting out of my control - some going off slowly and some more deliberately, and i cant do anything to pull them back again..i feel so helpless, left alone, with no one to turn to, no one to help me find the pieces of my brokenness and put them back to their proper places, to where they used to be.. a large mess - like a chaotic room inhabited by a savage teenage boy, or a dinner table that felt the wrath of a six year old who had a bout of tantrum, or a traffic jam caused by an overturned dilapidated bus.. some kind of a war is waging deep inside of me, a war between two states - and it is an impossibility for either side to resort to reconciliation. >> Helpless - i know i wont be able to put things back together, or even if i can, i dont have sufficient strength to do so. I feel like im being dragged away from my desired and efficient state.. im being pulled down to the ground by some enemy who mastered every discipline essential to mixed martial arts - i cant do anything to fight back..and i cant tap out, because he delights seeing me face down to the canvass floor.

>> Alone - like a child lost in a train station that is full of people. i dont know where to start, who to approach, what to do, where to go, how to find my way home. i dont even know if someone is looking for me too, or if i was intentionally left alone - maybe so that their world is much better without me..and if so, i wont bother much to ask help from anybody, because their lives might be better off too without me.

>> i feel like everything suddenly went against me..all of my hopes shattered, and now hope is a foreign word to my ears. i wont even dare to hope again, because i might find another that would go against me and pull me lower - deeper that i wont be able to stand up again. Maybe soon i wont put my hopes in being able to stand up - maybe i wasnt made to stand up, put my head high and brace myself for this world. im made to kiss the earth, with no part of my body extending itself at least an inch high off the ground. Desperate is not even the word to describe me - someone desperate still has traces of hope in his veins, and may still put up a fight..so where do i go from here?

like Job's words...

sighing comes to me instead of food, my groans pour out like water.. i have no peace, no quietness, and i have no rest but only turmoil..if only my anguish would be weighed, and all my misery be placed on the scales! it would surely outweigh the sand of the seas..what strength do i have that i should still hope? what prospects, that i should be patient?.. do i have the strength of the stone? is my flesh bronze? do i have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me?

>> never before have i encountered the words of Job with life like this..

>>i am.. whatever it is that ive attained in the past did form who i am..and now that they are being pulled away from me, what happens to who i am? maybe im wrong,..or maybe i shouldnt have had them in the first place, so that when a time like this comes, nothing would go against me, and it might not hurt that much..maybe i should have just hid myself under my bed for the past 19 years of my life, with no light shining upon my eyes. and maybe all these seem exaggerated for you - maybe its because you are not the one who would lend a hand for me to hold on to..or you dont have the strength to do so..

>>im broken. not like a stained glass window, because you could still recognize the pieces that fell apart.. im a broken piece of junk - nobody would care to pick anything up and try to put them together..

>>who would i turn to? i thought ive always included God in the picture, even put Him in the center of all things..i thought my world revolved around Him..everything i did was for Him.. but now what happened? what could i say when everything in the picture is falling apart?

>> Humble me, Lord. im not worthy like Job - not even a single hair from me is worthy of you. Forgive me when i put my hopes on the things that you hold for me, not on you.. and always remind me to hang on to you, put my trust in you alone. indeed, you are the maker of all things - you have made the red sunset show its glory over the horizon. you have made the stars whchc light up the night sky. you have made the vast expanse of the seas, and the mysteries of the deep are yet to be concealed. you have made the most beautiful smile on her face - a smile that would last forever on the eyes of those who saw it. and even the tears on her eyes which to some extent makes her more beautiful, came from you. you have made man, in your own image, and showed the full extent of your love to him. you..the maker of all things.. and who am i to deserve it? i really cant boast of anything - even my utmost desire to give my best to you..remove all pride..everything came from you, so what more could my mouth say? what more could my hands do? you are the maker of all things - you are the one who hold them together, no one could overcome your might..and always remind me Lord, that from your standpoint, it is absolutely unreasonable for me to be anxious and worry..rescue me..i put my hope in you..