for the past few nights, ive been dreaming about me playing drums..

..playing drums on a drumset complete with everything any crazy and hopeless drummer could ever dream of.

a hundred days or so have already passed since i started saving for a single splash cymbal and a clamp, or a snare head, or a brush stick, a drumming cd, or whatever drum stuff i might suddenly think of buying.. a hundred days passed by.. and almost every single cent i saved within those hundred days slipped out of my hands without me knowing it..

or..i knew about it, but i wasnt thinking about drums during those tragic moments and i didnt have time to realize that my dream of 'upgrading' the drumset im regularly playing (at church..) is slowly slipping away.. i used my savings (almost worth two splash cymbals..??? na cheap.. hehe) to buy some gift, treat some people to somewhere, get myself some of this and that - things that i think i need...

maybe i should have focused on saving first before getting my needs for the moment? maybe i shouldve just treated those people to some dirty ice cream or isaw? maybe i shouldnt have bought an expensive gift?

or maybe, i should have just told everyone who are dear to me: "i wanted to give you this or that, or take you to this place, or spend time with you and eat some of those, or i wanted to go there and see you..[oh, its so thoughtful of me.. (n_n) ] but, im saving for something for myself, so i wont. anyway, its the thought that counts, right??!"

im frustrated.

what if..??? oh well..il do it next time...

haha. (n_n)

nah..im saving again..maybe after another hundred days, il be able to save for something that could make my dreams come true - or at least a part of it.. and then use it for the youth camp (at puerto galera..) before i could even look for anything.. then save again, and use it for
another set of gifts, or whatever...

oh well..

i may be crazy and hopeless and .

but life doesnt end in drumming.

..and maybe, something better is coming my way.

..and God is good.

..il be saving again and again - and again, and again, and again.

..il be waiting until that day comes.

..and i shouldnt be blogging right now, but studying for my bio lab exam tomorrow.

[argh.]

im having an intense feeling that my world is tearing apart.

things are getting out of my control - some going off slowly and some more deliberately, and i cant do anything to pull them back again..i feel so helpless, left alone, with no one to turn to, no one to help me find the pieces of my brokenness and put them back to their proper places, to where they used to be.. a large mess - like a chaotic room inhabited by a savage teenage boy, or a dinner table that felt the wrath of a six year old who had a bout of tantrum, or a traffic jam caused by an overturned dilapidated bus.. some kind of a war is waging deep inside of me, a war between two states - and it is an impossibility for either side to resort to reconciliation. >> Helpless - i know i wont be able to put things back together, or even if i can, i dont have sufficient strength to do so. I feel like im being dragged away from my desired and efficient state.. im being pulled down to the ground by some enemy who mastered every discipline essential to mixed martial arts - i cant do anything to fight back..and i cant tap out, because he delights seeing me face down to the canvass floor.

>> Alone - like a child lost in a train station that is full of people. i dont know where to start, who to approach, what to do, where to go, how to find my way home. i dont even know if someone is looking for me too, or if i was intentionally left alone - maybe so that their world is much better without me..and if so, i wont bother much to ask help from anybody, because their lives might be better off too without me.

>> i feel like everything suddenly went against me..all of my hopes shattered, and now hope is a foreign word to my ears. i wont even dare to hope again, because i might find another that would go against me and pull me lower - deeper that i wont be able to stand up again. Maybe soon i wont put my hopes in being able to stand up - maybe i wasnt made to stand up, put my head high and brace myself for this world. im made to kiss the earth, with no part of my body extending itself at least an inch high off the ground. Desperate is not even the word to describe me - someone desperate still has traces of hope in his veins, and may still put up a fight..so where do i go from here?

like Job's words...

sighing comes to me instead of food, my groans pour out like water.. i have no peace, no quietness, and i have no rest but only turmoil..if only my anguish would be weighed, and all my misery be placed on the scales! it would surely outweigh the sand of the seas..what strength do i have that i should still hope? what prospects, that i should be patient?.. do i have the strength of the stone? is my flesh bronze? do i have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me?

>> never before have i encountered the words of Job with life like this..

>>i am.. whatever it is that ive attained in the past did form who i am..and now that they are being pulled away from me, what happens to who i am? maybe im wrong,..or maybe i shouldnt have had them in the first place, so that when a time like this comes, nothing would go against me, and it might not hurt that much..maybe i should have just hid myself under my bed for the past 19 years of my life, with no light shining upon my eyes. and maybe all these seem exaggerated for you - maybe its because you are not the one who would lend a hand for me to hold on to..or you dont have the strength to do so..

>>im broken. not like a stained glass window, because you could still recognize the pieces that fell apart.. im a broken piece of junk - nobody would care to pick anything up and try to put them together..

>>who would i turn to? i thought ive always included God in the picture, even put Him in the center of all things..i thought my world revolved around Him..everything i did was for Him.. but now what happened? what could i say when everything in the picture is falling apart?

>> Humble me, Lord. im not worthy like Job - not even a single hair from me is worthy of you. Forgive me when i put my hopes on the things that you hold for me, not on you.. and always remind me to hang on to you, put my trust in you alone. indeed, you are the maker of all things - you have made the red sunset show its glory over the horizon. you have made the stars whchc light up the night sky. you have made the vast expanse of the seas, and the mysteries of the deep are yet to be concealed. you have made the most beautiful smile on her face - a smile that would last forever on the eyes of those who saw it. and even the tears on her eyes which to some extent makes her more beautiful, came from you. you have made man, in your own image, and showed the full extent of your love to him. you..the maker of all things.. and who am i to deserve it? i really cant boast of anything - even my utmost desire to give my best to you..remove all pride..everything came from you, so what more could my mouth say? what more could my hands do? you are the maker of all things - you are the one who hold them together, no one could overcome your might..and always remind me Lord, that from your standpoint, it is absolutely unreasonable for me to be anxious and worry..rescue me..i put my hope in you..

'Boracay island' and 'Manila Bay' boodle-meals...

Last saturday afternoon, we (finally..after much debate on the-who,what,when,where,how,why,..and after about two months..) had our mlc treat. As usual, waiting took about a fourth of our time - the scheduled 1pm became 3:45pm (at least hindi 4..), and we went to the Seafood Island (suggested by ate rachel..and we had no choice! dotaaaa..hehe) without roxy - she texted us at 3pm and told us that she will be late and was just about to leave her house - in bulacan..

we could have waited for her for another 2 hours, but our stomachs dictated our minds and we decided to continue with a "lunch" treat (lunch..4pm..lunch..(o_0) )..of course, we were desperate to eat because we didn't eat lunch to 'prepare' ourselves for the much awaited treat..

we left the gateway foodcourt, boxed out everyone who came our way, and walked outside the mall a couple of times to find a decent (and mlc worthy..) restaurant. again, the snares of decision-making was mediocre to the growls of our stomachs, so we decided to eat at seafood island, ate rachel's first suggestion.. at first, we wondered why there were just a few people eating inside, and doubted if the place serves good-food - but then, we looked at the time and it was 4:15pm..all of us except ate rachel wasnt familiar with the menu, so it was ate rachel who ordered the food..boracay island, manila bay, sisig, kinilaw,.. argh.. the taste still lingers on my mouth..

the 2 specialties (bora and manila bay..rein commented "manila bay, madumi siguro to..") were served in a large, uh, wooden board covered with banana leaves..

>>> life is so unfair: waiting for each other to show up, walking around gateway and araneta center, waiting for others to decide what to order, waiting for the food - took longer than devouring the neatly arranged boodle-meals (they were the first neatly arranged boodle meals i saw in my entire life..) on the 2 large wooden boards.. life is so unfair..

roxy arrived when all of us finished eating..we saved the tilapia, some squid, kinilaw, porkchop, a piece of lumpia, and about 3-kilos of rice for her..we even wrote her name using our left-overs..how sweet of us.. (n_n)

i was concentrating on digesting the food in my stomach when i suddenly saw ate jam pass by.. i texted her, she texted back, but i was unable to read her text that she would come back to say "hi"...she came back, entered the restaurant, and she said not only "hi." but, "Hi!! ako po si Jam, from esbi diliman... =)"..surprised - but aww,i was touched.. hehe (n_n)

then we went back to gateway to watch a movie - after another chaotic decision making moments, we (or ate rachel..? hehe =) ) decided to watch Enteng Kabisote..i wont tell the details of the "story" of the movie, lest id just decide after typing a few words to stop writing this blog and sleep..

after 'it' (n_n). we went back to the foodcourt to talk..after the crazy moments (which included playing with the tables, going back to Wendy's because their 'Large' fries were labeled 'Small', and other stuff not suitable for public consumption..), we shared concerns and prayer requests with each other..included with what i shared was my academic adventures and the CBC youth ministry.. it was nice, and humbling, on my part at least - to be able to hear each others stories, to be updated, to know who the person talking is (maybe at the moment..) and what he/she is going through, and know some of what is behind those smiles and enthusiasm everytime we meet.. i was blessed and saw how much God works differently in our individual lives. and after everyone shared, we prayed together, in the middle of the gateway foodcourt, oblivious to the noise and people around us..

i dunno..but during the sharing time, i suddenly had my eyes open to what was around us - different kinds of people, caring about their own agendas, and so..but i had a [burden: cant think of any other term..],. i saw them. and i wondered, how about them? what are they going through? who are they? what is behind those smiles and enthusiasm and staying up late in a mall?? maybe my pakialamero side showed its head at that moment, but i just felt it. and it occured to me that they were young people too, just like us..but they were different (or just in my judgement..), they didnt have have Christ. I felt that i should add them to my prayer concerns, but i already had my turn to share. it was not because i didnt enjoy being with the mlc (an unenjoyable-mlc is like a flying-platypus..) but i felt i was staying too much in my comfort zone - with Christians, who would accept me for involving Christ in my daily life, and would not laugh out loud when i share that i desire to live for Christ. i felt a little guilty, that they outnumbered me - outnumbered us..what have i done that afternoon to share Jesus to them? during the day, awms i able to see a world without Christ, hearts that need salvation, and my responsibility to share God's love..?

it actually bothered me the whole night, until sunday..i was even able to wake up at 4pm to have my quiet time, focusing on my late reflections, maybe because it made me so disturbed..i had different thoughts when i got home, until i had my quiet time..

"maybe they were just having a good time, just like us..", "do i even have to care for them?," "how could i care for them? to what extent?," "how could i share Christ to them?," "what is going on in their minds? will they listen?," "what if i just let it pass away? maybe i just ate too much shrimp (im allergic to crustaceans..but i enjoy eating them..=) haha)..", "am i my brother's keeper?"

they are young people too, just like you and me..maybe not all of them go to school, most of them have plenty of friends to turn to, or a number might be well-off we in financial standing - we are in the same phase in life and we undergo almost the same thoughts, situations, and concerns..we act and respond almost the same..what is the difference? Christ in our hearts.

who will stood up? why??
they are also included in the 'all the nations' we HAVE to go into..

...and i only have 6 months to live

i only have 6 months to live my 'teen' years (-_-)...

bakit ako matutuwa sa 2006??

-pumasa ako sa chem16.. sa wakas! muhahaha!!
-na-organize namin ulit ang Youth ng CBC pero iniwanan ko agad para sa KC.. bwehehe
-nakasama ako sa KC 2k6 matapos ang matagal na pagiisip (na hindi naman natapos, sumama lang ako bigla) at hanggang ngayon ay patuloy na dumadaloy ang pagpapala ng camp na ito.
-narating ko ang pinakamalayong lugar na narating ko sa tala ng buhay ko (bacolod, na dati ay... baguio (??) ) woohoo!!
-nakakilala ako ng mga kaibigan mula sa iba't ibang sulok ng Pilipinas.
-natuloy ang 3-day Youth Camp ng CBC sa Batangas kahit na laspag kaming nag-organize
-natuto ako ng Latin Drumming.. (though, very, very, very basic, at tunog 'try-hard latin beat', ayus na yun!!)
-naging pagpapala ang MLC kahit na pasaway kaming lahat, at naayos ang LCDC
-na-enlist ko ang HK102 sa second sem at nakuha ko ang gusto kong prof
-nakapag-'excursion'/dalaw sa UPLB sa panimula ng Christmas Break

-at marami pang iba!!! hehe, ako'y nabigo... akala ko kaya ko ilagay lahat...