R-A-N-dom-T-hing-S.. (10/14/07)

- i headed straight to sleep the moment my body felt the warmth of our house and the soft pillows on my bed. im not really sure if i was just sleepy, but i felt so tired after the inter-school competition. Of course, the UP powerlifting team dominated the event, but i really havent done much in my weight class. i gained about 5 to 6 kilograms of body weight - 2 years ago, i was in the 60 to 67.5 kg weight division..and two-years is two years. after that sem (2nd sem,2k6), i didnt train regularly on the first sem of the following schoolyear, which was after my KC, and then i finally became inactive in the team on the 2nd sem. That was because i became so busy on so many things - acads, esbi, church youth, career (naks!) - and, the sport was not in my priority list. wonder why i joined the team? ask me. =) anyway, the last competition i joined before i became inactive was also the annual Inter-school competition. it was my second time to compete in the inter-school. My best record in squat was just at 110kg, my bench press was just 65kg, and my deadlift was 145kg. i competed in the 67.5kg division, with my weight resting safely at 65.8kg. There was just two of us who competed in that weight class, so i won second place (the first placer was also from UP powerlifting team). now, i gained about 5kg after two years of eating and not-training (i remember i did aim to gain weight..now i regret that decision i made to eat more than usual - and i seldom regret things..or i try not to regret anything. - and i also ate two slices of sbarro pizza the night before the competition..just great) - i had bad lifts both on my 2nd and 3rd attempts on the squat, making my record remain at my first attempt which was a mediocre 100kg. i also had a bad lift on my 2nd attempt in the deadlift, and the coach didnt let me reach my previous record, so i settled at 135kg on the deadlift. well, at least the bench press made my day..i thought i wont be able to make it, but thank God, i psyched myself enough and i stopped thinking of anything else when the chief referee made the command on my third attempt. the heaviest weight i lifted in my training on the benchpress was 2 reps of 70kg for 4 to 6 sets. i aimed to lift only 75kg - but the good thing was i had good lifts on all three attempts, with no red flags..i wished i could "transfer" at least one good lift to my deadlift or to my squat just so that i could try to break my previous attempt..but, maybe it was really because i didnt train well enough for the squat and the deadlift..i didnt train with the team for this sem because i had to go home early to give time for my acads and some other things - and on my "solo training" after my classes, i only do max attempts on the deadlift and the bench press - and i didnt give much focus on the deadlift too..futsal became my pseudo-plyometric training and assisted my squat (100kg is an easy rep now compared to my previous days)..however, it also became detrimental to my training because i had less time to focus on the 1RMs - and i cant choose not to "train" for futsal, because a PE class is not really included in a normal training program >_<>stop competing raw.

- i now have a new phone. its a Nokia 1600. im satisfied with a 2100 or my current 3315,maybe because i dont know how to use it, or this is not the time for me to learn something "new". hehe. thank you Lord for the blessings, great (the much surprising 80kg!! yehey!) or small (after about 20minutes of mind-wrecking thought, i finally found out how to turn my new phone on! haha)..i lost 2 phones for two consecutive years in my first 2 years in UP. i hope the curse is really gone.

- i finally made myself start studying/reviewing for NMAT. well, i havent really "reviewed" yet, i just tried answering the NMAT practice sets..i had 35/50 on both of the first two parts (verbal test and inductive reasoning), which was not really good if im targeting at least 90 on the actual NMAT, so please do pray for me.

- i wasnt able to attend our youth's joint fellowship with SOFT..which both has its pros and cons..the competition to some extent also served as a stress-release from acads and youth obligations for me..maybe because my "training" wasnt really that stressful..hehe

- i only have 1 week left before the LDMC camp (the pre-camp is on the 21st)..so help me, God..

- tinatamad na akong i-revise ang aking proposal paper =s (at tinamad na din ako mag-
english..>_< hehe).. wala na din naman kasing gaanong iibahin..madami lang talaga akong hindi na-discuss nung presentation..sayang

- i need new strength for this week and the next..i can really feel the fatigue rounding my body..somebody give me a massage..

- i still have to go to UP until thursday this week - meet with tambayan orgheads tomorrow (monday), exec mtg on tues, and mtg with the VSCA and mainlib admin on thursday..i also have to pass my final paper for my 199, work out my EnviSci subject, file my NMAT forms, buy a token for master (for his drumclinic two weeks ago..! wow..), and get kuyas transcript..then after LDMC, we're having a youth leaders retreat on nov.2 and 3, which leaves me less than a week for my "sembreak"..then i have to give time to study for NMAT..ouch.

- im tired..just thinking about what will happen on the next few days and weeks makes me tired..and i will get more tired..its good to know that amidst of everything that surrounds me for the moment, and inspite of my weakness (not just on the squat..hehe!), He does not change, and that He still holds the world..whatever may happen..good lift or bad lift.

Christmas Wishlist 2007

For those who care for me (naks andrama..).. here's my christmas wishlist - im posting this as early as now so you could have ample time to look for them in your local stores..and of course, save enough bucks to be able to buy it for me. thank you in advance! =b

1. a Starbucks coffee treat (every other day!..haha joke)
2. Recording Headphones (yung mukhang pang-piloto..i need it for solo practices, band rehearsals, etc..any brand/model will do. =)
3. Kjwan CD (any album)
4. Rhythm Tech RT 7902 Multiclamp or a Gibraltar multipurpose clamp with bar
5. Stanton Moores Take it to the street CD (a study in new orleans street beats and 2nd-line rhythms as applied to funk) or The Art of Playing with Brushes presented by Steve Smith and Adam Nussbaum instructional CD
6. Latin Percussion Stealth Jam Block or RhythmTech 3400 Moon Block
7. Gibraltar single-chain bass drum pedal (i really need to change my 2yr old drumpeds..)
8. LP Joey Castillo Drum Kit Pack (LP1207 Jam Block, LP160 Cyclops Tambourine, Gibraltar SC-AM1 Mounting Bracket)
9. 4 x 14" Gretsch custom snare (stanton moore)
10. Steve Gadd signature sticks (black)
11. Cymbal set..or at least one from the list below.. n_n (not in order):
10" Zildjian ZBT Splash cymbal
16" Zildjian Avedis Rock Crash
12" Zildjian A splash
18" Sabian HHX Ozone Crash cymbal
12" Sabian AAX Ozone splash cymbal
12. Latin Percussion LPA630 Aspire Tunable Djembe
13. Mitshubishi Eclipse GT 2008

DISCLAIMER: the wishlist above is for this coming christmas 2007 (salamat uli charm! you're a good friend! haha).

..simpleng tao lang naman ako. mabait. wish ko lang may matupad na kahit isa lang sa kanila sa darating na pasko. susulat na lang ako sa Wish ko Lang.

Psalm 34 (NIV)

..i only have one paper left to do, and then my sem would finally end. i will miss futsal.. and then i have to prepare for my last sem in UP. i will miss UP - to think that until now, there are still moments when being called a "UP student" still is surreal for me,like some dream which managed to escape the shadows that grips the night..

>> Excitement - that UP will be celebrating its one hundred years of existence, making the coming graduation a more special event to the whole UP community. It might be a mere coincidence - graduating while UP also celebrates its 100 years - but how can it not be so special when you have to wait for another hundred years just for this coincidence to happen again? somehow, a hundred years of existence is hard to comprehend..not because its difficult to count to a hundred, but because there is no one in this present world who have done counting by a number per year until he counts to a hundred..there are people who lived up to a hundred and had bonuses of a number of years (the longest i know is 115 years..?), but i dont think they had kept track of their count, if ever they had counted their years.

>> A heightened sense of things - i really like the way Leonidas' Spartan feelings were put into words when he was immersed into the wilderness in the movie 300 (ahoo! ahoo!). it somehow captures what i feel most of the time when something is going to happen. i feel that something big is going to happen, whether good or bad, and then i prepare my mind and soul for it.

i try not to be anxious. i try not to fear. being anxious is just like terrorizing yourself..like driving an 18-wheeler cargo truck up to 120kph in an edge of a cliff with the knowledge that your brakes doesnt work. anxiety is when you subject yourself to psychological and emotional (sometimes, it can even lead to physical..) stress that you yourself have elicited. its cause is internal. You fear things that are not around you, but comes from your own thoughts. You are anxious because you let yourself become anxious. You dont need a terrorist to make yourself worry and be anxious, you just need to fix your thoughts well enough into such a state - and quite many have already perfected the skill, that most of the time its automatic, and its hard to control once it has started. isnt it funny to think that when you become anxious, you worry for something that is still indefinite or have a 50:50 chance and can still turn out good, but you already are suffering psychological and emotional stress which leads to hormonal imbalances, fatigue, psychosomatic illnesses, and sometimescan even lead to heart problems (researches have already proven that stress is a risk factor to heart problems.), just because you have let yourself get worried? haha.

But on the other hand, there is some logic to being anxious or to worrying. You worry because you are aware that there are factors which you cannot control - that chaos happens. You become anxious because you know that whatever happens around your current environment or state will affect you or your plans. Also, as the number of uncontrollable variables in your environment increases, your tendency to worry and be anxious also increase. But to cut it short, worry or anxiety is a normal and a very natural response to the unpredictable behavior of your surroundings. However, the 'natural response' isnt always the best response..like porcupines (are they rodents??) who responds to touch by sticking out their protective but piercing skin outgrowths (are they hairs?? someone answer me.), even when they touch their own kind.
well, a logical problem can be solved by a logical solution. The simplest solution to anxiety is just accepting that you do not, and you cannot control the things around you. You just have to accept that however well-planned your schedule is, and how many plan B's and plan C's you may have, you still wont know what will happen tomorrow. You do not control the world. You cant even control the time. So what do we have to do? Do we have to stop planning? its an option, but its not the best.

Like little children who waits on their parents for almost everything, we just have to trust the one who controls almost everything..trusting is like giving up and surrendering all your 'rights' to worry about things that are outside of your control and your many predispositions and thoughts,whilst accepting the knowledge that it will turn out for the better - and even if it doesnt, you are still assured that He still controls the things that surround you, and you can trust Him again.

..so now, thrill and a heightened sense of things are in me. One last sem and then i will leave UP and enter another world..about a hundred and more days will have to pass one day at a time, all with their own varying number of uncontrollable variables, before i get to have a "glimpse" of my "future." Three more weeks before i start my last semester in UP..Twenty-one-plus more days to go, 24 hrs per day..what will happen? will everything turn out well? i just saw in CRS that i wasnt enlisted in Thesis class for next sem. i currently have a problem with one MST subject, Environmental Science 1, which i have taken four years ago, and i would have to add another unit if i dont settle the matter on time. i have to study for NMAT in less than two months. i am still not sure if i will pursue medicine. 220 people are going to LDMC, with the campsite having a capacity for only 200 people. The IVCF vehicle cant be used to transport materials to the campsite. i have this one paper left to do, which i havent started yet, and i need to read plenty of resources to support my points, and i have to finish it before thursday. CBC leadership council meeting will be held this coming thursday and friday, and i am entitled to come (or so i think..i miss u tagaytay!!). We havent had our Exec meeting for 2 weeks (i miss u exec!)..and plenty of other things. But i trust in the Lord. And there always comes a wonderful feeling when he proves to me that He is worthy of my trust, and that He holds the world, even me.

try it for yourself. taste and see that the Lord is good indeed.

I will love you still in the morning...

even if the pouring rain seems to have no end
and the stars hide their fiery sparks under the clouds.

the days may have been so lonely..
and you seem to be so far away.
yet, i will love you still.

i will love you still in the morning...

even when everything seems to fade to gray
and then darkness sets in.

the light from your promises defy the many shadows that surround me.
and i will remember them.
and so i cant stop from loving you still.

i will love you still in the morning...

even before the rising sun shows its first ray of light
or even before the birds sing to the coming of the day.

it is you - you alone who brings me joy..
just the thought of you - your extravagant love
your grace so amazing - it makes me love you still.

i will love you still in the morning...

even when my eyes fail to witness the sunrise
and my flesh becomes so frail.

illness might overcome my body..
but you are the strength of my soul
my heart and my soul hopes upon you - and i love you still.

i will love you still in the morning...

your love brings me joy...
your love brings me peace.

your love brings me more and more to you.
i cannot contain it.
and so with all my heart, i will love you still.

how can i not think of you, when everything i see speaks of you?
how can i forget you, when everything i own is from you?
and everything is all about you.

my heart will decay if i should refrain from your love, from your presence
if i should deny how much i need you
and that i should love you
and there is no reason that i should stop from loving you.

RAN-dom-T-hought-S

- yey! salamat Lord sa bagong rubbershoes. woohoo! salamat sa dalawa kong muse na sila blesscille at johanna lise. salamat sa pagsama paikot ikot sa esem para sa hanapin ang "The One" na shoes. gusto ko kasi ay all-terrain or cross-training na shoes, para bumagay sa mga kalikutan ko sa Kolehiyo ng Pantaong Kinetika. hehe. pero ang shoes na nabili namin ay running shoes. ok lang, naisip ko kasi na running shoes ang kalimitang ginagamit as "drumming shoes" (medyo mabigat nga lang yung adidas..pero nagra-rhyme naman - running/drumming..yehey!), at medyo konti na lang ang sport ko sa aking huling sem sa UP (pero iniisip kong mag extra PE ulit ng futsal.. =)

- blesscille, sayang talaga yung 3 games sa free shoot-out ng Toby's!!! pero malabo naman talaga yung free shoot-out na yun. ang mechanics kasi, every P1000 worth ng purchase ng ANY product nila, may libreng isang game. eh pano yun, RUNNING SHOES ang binili ko, hindi BASKETBALL SHOES..diba dapat FREE RUN ang meron ako, instead na FREE SHOOT-OUT??? tsktsk..duuuhh....

- mali talaga ang sistema ng sbarro. kelangan nila magdagdag ng cashier booth.

- hindi ko naiblog ang mga pangyayari nung nakaraang dalawang linggo. napaka-busy kasi. ang grim at agonizing din naman nung 2 weeks na yun. pero gusto ko pa din sila iblog. pero after na ng proposal ko sa tuesday.or, after manood ng resident evil 3. haha

-transformers ang huli kong napanood na sine sa sinehan.

- hindi ko pa din makalimutan yung pilit kong itinayp na draft ko na blog sa gitna ng kabusyhan- tuwang tuwa kasi ako sa natype ko - pero sa notepad ko lang tinayp, inupload, pero di sinave sa PC...ayun, naglaho na ang "draft" at hindi na muling maibabalik..

- hindi ko magawa ang mga kelangan kong dapat gawin. hindi ko pa kasi nauubos yung dinner ko na siomai with soup..unfinished business ang siomai. kelangan muna tapusin bago gumawa ng iba. kelangan ko pa din pala muna magtimpla ng kape bago ko gawin yung kelangan ko gawin.

- naha-hyper ako. baka dahil sa San Mig strong coffee??

- ewan ko ba kung ulyanin ako, hindi organized, or Hyper-Mode lang talaga..pero every now and then, lagi kong inaalala ang mga kelangan kong gawin sa mga susunod na tatlong araw..tatlong araw! usually, nagaalala lang ako ng ganun kapag 1 whole week ang jampacked...but no..3 days lang! argh..nakakafrustrate mafrustrate. (-_-). sana nababawasan ang mga kelangan gawin sa simpleng pagaalala sa kanila..kaso hindi.

- < may naisip akong next na itatype na para sa line na ito, pero dahil mahaba yung previous line, nalimutan ko na.. >

- ang primitive. isang buong mag-umaga akong nakaharap sa PC..nagreresearch para sa isang paper (10 'abstracts'..kelangan gumawa ng sariling mga abstracts ng mga research theses tungkol sa ergogenic aids and nutrition..ibig sabihin, kelangan din basahin yung 10 theses na yun.). naka-upload sa net yung notes ko para sa exam bukas sa isang subject..inencode ko yung notes from powerpoint to notepad. ready na ang paper, ink, microsoft word, at ako sa pagprint. tenen! walang ink! argh.. (>_<) virtually, i wasted about 3 hours of my time sa pag-encode..pero ok lang..primitive, dahil ngayon, isusulat ko na lang yung notes sa aking notebook ('notes' sa 'notebook'..makes sense..?)..at yun nga ang "kelangan kong gawin" ngayon, hindi magblog.

-inubos ko muna yung siomai with soup at nagtimpla ng kape bago ko gagawin tlaga ang kelangan ko gawin. pero mamaya ko na iupload to. well, at least, na-overcome ko ang urge to upload..at na-overcome ko din pala ang temptation na gamitin ang Liwayway gawgaw sa kape, ubos na pala kasi ang gatas, at pareho naman silang puti. - mukhang hindi na naman ako makaka-train bukas, kung mapupuyat ako ngayon. argh. walang kwentang cycle, di na nasunod kahit kelan.. =(

- hanggang ngayon, hindi ko pa din ma-gets ang pagkakaiba ng LACTATE at LACTIC ACID, at kung ano ang relevance ng kanilang pagkakaiba. kung ikaw ay matiyagang nagbasa nito, at alam mo ang pagkakaiba nila..PLEASE, pakisabi sa akin bago ako grumadweyt. salamat. -eniwey, magsusulat na talaga ako.andami. =s get ready hand and finger flexor and extensor muscles!

- after ng isang page (2 columns, size 8 font, arial) ng "reverse encoding" (pagsulat ng notes from microsoft word..), pinasingit ko si mami sa paggamit ng PC. dapat inaral ko yung mga sinulat ko na, pero hindi..nagpraktis ako ng rudiments..nung napagod ang aking extrinsic forearm muscles, naalala kong hindi ko dapat ginawa yun dahil magsusulat pa ako...owel..- nung pinasingit ko si mami, nag-error etong notepad, at hindi pa ako nadala, dahil hindi ko sinave..ayun, nung ise-save ko na, hindi na maretrieve..magwawala na sana ako, buti na lang Hyper-windang-mode ako ngayon. pero syempre, salamat kay Lord at nabuksan ko ngayon. nyahahaha!!

thesis mode...

para sa kanya na wala pang pangalan...

"kung hahayaan lang sana ng kalawakan na ika'y makita kinabukasan
baka sakaling mapawi ang pagod ng aking hapong katawan..."

iisipin ko na lang na para sa iyo ang proposal...para masaya...
bwahaha!

kailan ba kita makikilala?

masaya ako ngayon. naka-GOAL ako kanina sa FUTSAL..woohoo!!!

..isa ang Futsal sa mga bagay ngayon na nakakapagpasaya sa akin. Hindi ko naman pers taym na maka-Goal..pero wala lang..masaya. =)

Tatlong games kami kanina, 2 goals per game (pwedeng tie..basta 2 goals made, tapos na ang laro.). Ewan ko ba kung bakit napapayag nilang mag-Goal keeper ako sa first two games. ayoko mag Goal keeper, una sa lahat, dahil hindi ako marunong talaga (hindi ako sanay na mang-block ng bola gamit ang kamay ko, so minsan, nagta-tumbling pa talaga ako para lang magamit paa ko..hehe), pangalawa, dahil hindi ako nakakatakbo (hindi ako nakabili ng dyaryo kanina, wala akong mabasa habang naghihintay ng kalaban..at mahirap magenjoy ng laro nang hindi,o madalang lang na tumatakbo (>_<), at pangatlo, hindi naman talaga tinuturuan ang PE class ng mga strategies ng game (minsan, parang "agawan buko" ang laro, nagkukumpulan, walang triangle, walang man-to-man, etc..)kaya mahirap mag-Goal keeper! hehe..eniwey, ayun. Siguro, pumayag na din ako mag Goal Keeper dahil nung mga nakaraang klase ay nabababad ako sa laro. pero syempre, ang mababait kong mga kaklase ay pumapayag lang na mag-Goal Keeper kapag pagod na sila (dahil madalang nga tumakbo ang goal keeper..) so ayun, nung third game lang ako nakatakbo talaga. medyo advantage para sa team namin, dahil lamang kami ng isang player, although skill wise ay sobrang wala kaming maipapalag.. Hindi naging madali yung third game, dahil nung unang part ng laro ay puro attempts ng kalaban. Hindi ko na talaga maalala kung paano na-shift ang equilibrium (na-out of bounds ata..), pero biglang nalipat sa kabilang court ang bola. Ayan na. Mabilis ang mga pangyayari. Dalawang beses ko nasaksihan na nasa ere ang bola. Yung unang pagkakataon na nasa ere ang bola, dulot ng goal kick ng goalkeeper namin, nasa back ako, playing defense (na supposed position ko talaga palagi..dahil nakakatakot mag-forward, bawal ang lampa.haha)..ang galing ni teammate! although hindi natamaan ng heading nya ang bola, sumakto naman sya, so naturn over samin ang possession..pero hindi pumasok sa goal..naka-ilang goal kick at inbound ang kalaban matapos nun..at unti-unti, umaangat ang pwesto ko (binabantayan ko din kasi yung isang kalaban na forward..malabo..)..napunta ako sa may midfield - sa isip ko, depensa pa din ang laro ko. Kami na ang nag-aattempt na mag-Goal, at naging madalang ang turnover ng bola sa kalaban. Mga ilang attempts uli at ilang inbound at goal kick ang lumipas, ayan - ang ikalawang paglipad ng bola..medyo mataas, at may hang time..goalkeeper ng kalaban ang sumipa.binabantayan ko yung kalaban kanina..nasa midfield kami, right wing..nakatingala ako. nakatingala din sya. nang papalapit na ang bola.. *tugudoinks!!!* may mga bituin akong nakita..nauntog ako sa ulo nya..nagtawanan mga klasmeyt namin na nakaupo..comment ni sir, "di bale, pareho naman kayong kalbo".. (o_0) play on.. naalog talaga ang utak ko, at naging disoriented..naalala ko na medyo nakapikit ang isa kong mata..nahilo (hanggang ngayon, masakit pa yung ilong ko at kanang mata)..apir sa klasmeyt at konting ngiti at tango..play on nga..bola namin..attempt..wala..hindi ko na maalala ang mga lumipas na mga pangyayari, pero dumating sa point na nag goal kick ang kalaban, at nasangga ko, pero paling ang sipa (>_<)..isa lang ang bantay, at dalawa kami..hinabol nung ka-teammate ko (na sit in galing sa sunod na class..)..nasa gitna yung kalaban..takbo kami ng mabilis.."Go, GO!" -sigaw ko..nadala namin ang bola sa goal..hawak ng kateammate ko..tumama sa bakal..nagcomment si sir "wag mo naman itama sa bakal..blahblah.." di ko na ulit alam yung mga sunod na nangyari..disoriented pa din ako sa pagkakauntog..pero matapos ang goal kick, pasahan, at ilang sigawan, nagulat na lang ako na hawak ko ang bola..haha, defense! (o_0) wala akong choice..walang kakampi, isa lang ang kalaban..lagpas na ako sa midfield, pero medyo right wing pa din..wag na magisip..takbo na lang..pagtapat ko sa goal keeper, hindi ko alam kung pano nangyari, pero sinipa ko yung bola sa kaliwa..so medyo parang "fake" na hindi, dahil nakatingin ako nang diretso..haha! natuwa ang mga nakaupo naming klasmeyts - hindi naman siguro dahil sa akin, pero ibig sabihin kasi, tapos na ang laro namin, at sila naman ang maglalaro..nakakatuwa pala pero nakakalungkot..na tapos na - at masakit mauntog sa ulong kalbo.. (>_<)

...argh. The 1st draft for my thesis proposal is due tomorrow..im just taking a "blog-break" from all the crazy related-literature-reviewing and eye-drooling-PC-staring..guess what..i havent started the actual paper yet, but my head is already close to screaming its brain stuff out (you know, the gray and white matter, pia matter, dura matter..etc.), so i took the liberty of having this blog-break..i like this song by Casting Crowns..its musicality is pretty much arguable..the drum section isnt that flashy,but it doesnt matter..its a song, not a drum solo/exhibition..

Praise You in this storm

By Casting Crowns

I was sure by now God you would have reached down
and wiped our tears away, stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen that it's still raining
as the thunder rolls, I barely hear your whisper through the rain, I'm with you
and as your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And i'll praise you in this storm,and i will lift my hands
that you are who you are, no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried you hold in your hand
you never left my side and though my heart is torn
I will praise you in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
you heard my cry-you raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find you

as the thunder rolls, I barely hear your whisper through the rain, I'm with you
and as your mercy falls I raise my hands and praise the God who gives and takes away.

[Chorus]

Bridge: I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes unto the hills, where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

[Chorus]and though my heart is tornI will praise you in this storm


..it shows an attitude of true focus on God, our deepest need- true "seeking His kingdom" first..'though my heart is torn, i will praise You in this storm'..it recognizes that the world does not revolve around us..it reminds us that we are to serve God, and not vice versa - to praise Him no matter what..sometimes we tend to complain when things dont go our way, or if it seems that God is "unfair"..we pray, thinking that God will move based only on our shallow words - and then when our 'prayers' arent met, it would be His fault, and we might even think that God should say sorry and redeem Himself because of our disappointments and storms..we should be reminded - be always humble to remind ourselves - of our true state: we are but the work of His hands, and He - He is the God who gives and takes away..we should try to put the words "mercy" and "grace" in front of our materially-saturated eyes, because we depend only in His hands..I also liked the bridge part of the song, because it has one of my favorite-est psalm from the Bible (sa Psalm122 ata..)..maybe we should always try to ask ourselves that question..too bad, those tall buildings covered our view of the hills, the smog replacing the blue sky, and the ashpalt and cement roads covering the earth..too bad..but at least we're always weak and dependent and frail - whatever mask we may wear..its up to us to recognize it.

(Background music: Paco de Lucia by Chick Corea)

..maaari ba akong umasang muli sa langit na ikaw ay darating?? ..mistulang ika'y malapit lamang, kayang aabutin ng aking mga kamay kung maaari, ngunit iba ang sinasabi ng mga pagkakataon. Wala ka. Darating ka pa nga ba? Palagi man abangan ang tunog ng iyong pagdating..gaano pa man hintayin ang kakaiba ngunit masarap na pakiramdam ng iyong pagdating - hindi ito magiging sapat. Bakit nga ba kita inaasahang dumating? Dahil ikaw ang magbibigay ng ngiti sa aking yamot na mga labi, at ng pahinga sa aking pagod na katawan..sa gabi, ikaw ay magdudulot ng saya sa aking pagtulog..sa umaga, hindi ko na siguro maaaring bigkasin ang saya na aking madarama kapag alam kong nariyan ka. Ngunit wala ka nga, at nanatiling nakagakos sa akin ang pagod na may dalang kaunting lungkot..

Mga ilang araw kitang hinintay. Nakatingala sa langit at iniisip ka. Tinatanaw sa gabi ang paglitaw ng mga tala - marahil ay nakatingin ka din at nag-aabang - ngunit pati ang mga bituin sa langit ay hindi nagpapakita ng sigla..kung nagkataon na narito ka, hindi ko na kailangan tumitig sa mga tala. Hindi ko din naman kasi kakayanin na iwalay ang tingin sa iyo. Bakit nga ba wala ka? Darating ka ba? Hindi ko alam. Hindi mo din naman kasi siguro alam na may naghihintay sa iyo, at umaasa sa iyong pagdating.

Ngunit matapos ang ilang malulungkot na gabi, at mga araw na pinaparaos na lamang, nagbago ang panahon..ito na nga ba ang matagal na hinihintay? Pero baka hindi ikaw..baka nalilinlang lamang ako ng sariling imahinasyon, o ng mga pagkakataon at mga bagay na nagpapahiwatig na nariyan ka. Kinailangan na maging maingat..tumingin na lang muli sa langit at umasa.

Hindi pala ako namalikmata. Nariyan ka na nga! At ang lakas ng dating mo..umabot sa 250kph ang lakas ng iyong hangin. limang araw din tuloy na mawawalan ng pasok, hiwalay pa sa dalawang araw nung nakaraang linggo..salamat sa iyo, nagbunga ka ng ngiti sa aking mga labi..at ngayon, wala na namang pasok! yehey!!!

>>Para kay...Egay, at kay Dodong (o dodoy??) na din..salamat sa inyo, mga superhero ko na supertyphoon...

DISCLAIMER: Mali ang iniisip mo, walang kinalaman ang background music..at hindi senti yun..haha anlabo.. =b

Oras matapos ang Oras (Time after Time)

Mag-aalas singko na pala ng umaga - ibig sabihin, kailangan ko na magmadali. Susulitin ko na lang ang kung ano man ang natapos kong aralin sa mga nagamit kong oras - at para sa mga oras na nakatulala lang ako sa kawalan - paalam na sa kanila, dahil hindi na sila maibabalik.. Kailangan na magmadali..

Pero bakit kaya?

Bakit hindi na maibabalik ang oras? Isang direksyon lang kasi ang takbo ng oras - at pantay pantay ang takbo nito. Pwede nga kayang bumalik sa nakaraan? Posible nga kaya yung "Back to the Future"? Maaari lang ito kung nakaukit na ang mga pangyayari ng nakaraan at kinabukasan, at sa atin nakasalalay ang mga pagbabago. Pero masyadong magulo iyon. Siguro kapag nagkasundo ang lahat ng tao sa mundo na bumalik sa oras, magagawa natin - pero hindi nga, dahil masyado na tayong magulo para pa gawin ang mas magulo, at lilinlangin lang natin ang ating mga sarili. Kung sa bagay, kahit na bumalik tayo sa oras, tumatakbo pa din ito. Hindi pa din natin matitinag ang oras.

Anong saya kaya ang maidudulot kung madadagdagan ko ng isang oras ang relo? Pwede ko sigurong gawing paumanhin na dalawamput limang oras ang tinatakbo ng relo ko, kaya mas madami akong oras. Pero hindi nga. Kahit ano ang mangyari, hindi ito pwedeng dagdagan o bawasan. Sa lahat ng imbensyon, talino, o ano pang kakayanan ng tao, ito lang siguro ang naiiba. Hindi ito tulad ng kalawakan, o ang kalaliman ng karagatan na maaari pang tuklasin. Ang oras ay hindi na maaari at hindi na natin kakayanin pang galawin o pakialaman.

Bakit kailangan magmadali? Hindi naman kasi nag-iiba ang bilis o bagal ng oras. Patuloy lang itong nauubos at nauubos, at wala tayong ibang magagawa dito kundi ang sulitin ang bawat segundo. Para tuloy tayong inuutusan ng oras - ang tao ay pawang mga alipin. Haha. Nakakatawa na inuutusan tayo ng oras. Ang tao, na nabubuhay sa pagmamalaki ng sarili, at pagmamaliit ng iba batay sa mga nagawa nito sa nagdaang panahon ay oras ay parepareho lang na mga alipin. Kahit na sino ka pa man, wala kang magagawa. Sasabay ka din - sasabay at sasabay lang sa hagupit ng maliit na kamay ng bawat segundo.

Walang katapusan? Kailan nga kaya matatapos ang oras? Baka kapag naubos na ang lahat ng relo sa mundo - wala na tayong batayan ng oras. Pero hindi pa rin. Wala nga tayong magawa para baguhin lamang kahit katiting nito, paano pa kaya natin maiwawaksi ang pamumuno nito? Sa pamumuno nito sa ating buhay - wala na tayong magagawa.

Nakakatawa naman pala tayo. Mga tao. Akala natin kontrolado natin ang lahat. Sa mga inaasikaso at mga pinagkakaabalahan, nagpapaka-hari tayo sa ating sari-sariling paraan. Maliit man o malaking bagay ay pinagbubuhusan natin ng lakas para maitaas ang walang iba kundi ang ating sarili. Palagi tayong may pagnanasa sa pansariling kasiyahan at kaluwalhatian. Kahit sa pakikitungo sa kapwa nating tao, umaasta tayo na parang may malaking pagkakaiba. Pero parepareho lang pala tayo. Pare parehong nasa ilalim lang ng tatlong kamay ng oras. Pare pareho din pala tayong mauubusan. Haha. Mga walang kwenta - mga kawawa. Mawawala din ang lahat. Mawawala ka din. Sayang lang.

Kung may mata at bibig siguro ang oras, o kung isa din itong pisikal na nilalang, namatay na siguro ito sa katatawa sa atin. Pero ang problema, hindi nga ito pwedeng mamatay. Hindi ito pwedeng mawala, dahil ito ang may kapit sa bawat isa sa atin. Pwede siguro natin isipin na isa itong halimaw: malupit na halimaw na hindi tayo pinakakawalan. Pwede din na tulad ng isang orc: walang maayos na pag-iisip, takbo lang ng takbo, pero malakas pa din, at madadamay pa din tayong mga walang laban at mga kawawa. Ano nga kaya? Siguro, hindi ito talaga pwedeng maging halimaw - dahil mas kaawa awa tayo nun, hindi ba?

Saan ba nanggaling ang oras? Isa din itong nilalang, pero kakaiba sa atin. Siguro, hindi ito nilalang para may batayan tayo ng ating mga kwento at kasaysayan, kundi para may paalala din sa atin ng kahinaan. Oras. Oras na para mabuhay. Oras na para magsaya. Oras na para pumanaw. Tao lang tayo. Tao lang. Baka nakakalimutan natin - haha, hindi natin pwedeng malimutan ang ating kahinaan dahil sa hindi nga nawawala ang oras. Mas nakakatawa tayo kung hinahayaan lang natin itong tumakbo at hindi pinapansin ang mas malalim na layunin nito. Anong klaseng tao ang naguubos ng lakas sa napakaraming bagay, pagkakataon, at mga tao, habang hindi pinapahalagahan ang oras? Mas malala pa siguro ang taong iyon sa relo na basag ang salamin na mukha. Ang galing dahil may nakaunawa na din ng halaga ng oras.

"The length of our days is seventy years— or eighty, if we have the strength; yet their span is but trouble and sorrow, for they quickly pass, and we fly away.

Teach us to number our days aright, that we may gain a heart of wisdom. "

Nakasulat sa Awit 90:10 at 12 (NIV). Sapat na ba ang 70 o 80 taon? Mabilis lang itong mawawala - hindi mo na kasi mapapabagal ang oras, o mababalikan ang lumipas nang panahon. Tunay nga na kailangan natin ng talino at unawa sa pagmatyag sa oras na tumatakbo, at oras na nalalabi. Sayang ang lahat kung hindi natin ito ninais. Kung gayon man, paano natin haharapin ang isang bagay na lubhang mas malaki sa atin? Lubhang mas malaki, na hindi na natin ito magagalaw at wala na tayong magagawa. Kailangan natin ng Isang mas malaki. Saan nga ba nanggaling ang oras? Isa lang din itong nilalang, at kailangan natin kilalanin ang Lumalang. Bakit kaya tayo kailangan paalalahanan ng oras? Siguro, dahil madali natin malimutan na mga nilalang din tayo, at nalilimutan natin kung bakit tayo narito. Nalilimutan natin ang lumalang sa atin. Ang tao ay pawang mga nilalang lamang - at walang karapatan na maghari sa kanilang mga sarili o anuman.

Kawawa nga ba tayo? Kung kawawa tayo, hindi siguro tayo paaalalahanan ng Lumalang sa atin. Mahal siguro Niya tayo kaya may oras. Mahal Niya tayo. Nalulunod nga lang tayo sa ating mga sariling interes, pagmamataas sa sarili, pagaabala sa mga bagay na mawawala din, at iba pa. Nalilimutan natin ang Siyang lumalang sa atin. At nariyan ang oras, marahil ay humahalakhak sa bawat pagkakamali at pagsasayang.

Naalala ko nung nagpunta kami sa aming mahal na probinsya, sa mindoro, nito lang nakaraang summer.. Dalawang beses kami nagpunta - isa nung April (holy week), at isa nung May.. Sobrang na-enjoy ko ang bakasyon doon kahit ilang araw lang (overnight lang nung una, at friday hanggang sunday yung ikalawa) - naka-"takas" ako sa mga commitment at mga pinagkakaabalahan.. Naenjoy ko ang byahe sa barko, ang muling makita ang Calapan Pier, ang magulo at "mala-probinsyang" palengke sa bayan, ang muling makapunta sa bahay namin doon, ang makita ang aking mga pinsan, ang magbabad sa mga libreng beach, ang pagpunta sa ilog, ang matulog, ang kumain, at iba pa. Naging oras din yun para maka-habol sa bilis ng takbo ng buhay - o kahit papaano ay panandaliang makahinga sa pagtakbo. Matagal na kaming hindi nakadalaw sa mindoro - mga lima o walong taon na siguro, pero mabuti at hindi pa umabot ng 10 years.

Nung nakaraang semestre, pinangarap kong magpabigat ng timbang. Subalit sa gitna ng aking pagpapagal (o pagkain ng madami..), wala pa ding nangyayari. Nung nagpunta kami ng mindoro, limang kilo ata ang nadagdag sa akin - dalawa lang pala, o wala pa talaga sa dalawang kilo, pero ayos na din. Pano ba naman kasi, wala kaming ginawa kundi kumain, matulog, kumain, magswimming, kumain, kumain, matulog. Ang pinagkaiba lang siguro nung una at ikalawang punta namin, mas madaming pagkain nung pangalawa. Salamat sa Diyos sa pahinga at sa saganang hapag kainan.

Naenjoy ko ang swimming, hindi lang dahil libre. Nakakatuwa na naiba naman kahit minsan ang aking mga nakikita. Dati, puro bus, usok, ibat ibang mga mukha, basura, mga building, at iba pa - napalitan ito ng nakakasawang luntian ng mga puno, ng banayad na dagat at ng maaliwalas na kalangitan. Parang nasa ibang dimensyon. Iba ang mukha ng sunset sa mindoro kumpara sa maynila. Iba din ang kalangitan kapag gabi. Hindi mo maiisip na madilim, dahil sa liwanag na bigay ng buwan at mga tala. Naalala ko nung KC sa Bacolod, puno din ng bituin ang langit twing gabi, maliban na lang kung uulan sa umaga. Pero minsan kahit maulap, tila lumalaban ang liwanag na dala ng mga bituin sa gabi. Nung isang pagkakataon pa nga, habang oras ng Small Groups ay nakasaksi kami ng shooting star (ano ba sa tagalog yun??? (o_0) ). Mabilis itong dumausdos sa kalawakan - sandali lang ang liwanag, ngunit sapat na ito upang hindi mapansin ang bumabalot na dilim ng gabi. Nung Youth camp ngayon ding nakaraang summer, nakita ko din kung paano tinadtad ng mga bituin ang kalangitan ng Rizal. Kaunting tingala lang sa gabi, bawi na ang pagod nang nagdaang araw. Hindi ako kapre o manananggal, o kung ano mang halimaw na lumilitaw at lumalakas lamang sa gabi.. Nakakatulong lang sa akin ang makakita ng tala sa gabi na alalahanin ang kabutihan ng Diyos - at hindi Siya nagbabago, tulad ng hindi pagbabago ng paglitaw ng mga bituin.

Madalas na gabi ako nakakauwi nitong mga nakaraang linggo dahil sa gabi matapos ang Exec meeting, BigF, paglalamiyerda, at dahil nagbalik ako sa pagtrain sa Powerlifting Team ng UP. Minsan, inaabot ako ng 12am sa paguwi. Ngunit habang naglalakad sa kalye, o kahit habang nakasakay sa isang sasakyan na bumabaybay sa kalsada pauwi, kaunti lang ang bituin na nakikita ko - at hindi ito dahil lang sa may artipisyal na ilaw na sa mga kabahayan na tinatabunan ang liwanag ng mga bituin. Tag-ulan ngayon sa Pilipinas. Kaya maulap. Kaya madilim ang kalangitan. Pero wala namang dumadating na ulan. Tila gusto lang talaga takpan ng mga ulap ang kalangitan at tabunan ang mga tala, upang mapansin naman sila.

Baka kapag umulan, mawawala din ang mga nakaharang na mga ulap - pero hindi nga umuulan. Bakit maulap kahit hindi umuulan? Nakakapagod isipin. Bakit kaya maulap kahit hindi umuulan? Nagiging mas mahirap tuloy na alalahanin ang ilang mga pagkakataon at mga bagay na parang naging kaugnay o kasama na sa paglitaw ng mga tala. Tinakpan sila ng mga walang hanggang mga ulap. Nagiging madali na isipin na baka hindi na sila magbalik at magpakita ulit..

Pero oo nga, hindi dahil sa hindi mo nakikita ang isang bagay ay hindi na ito totoo o naglaho na ito. Oo nga, kahit natatabunan ng ulap ang mga bituin, hindi dapat hayaan na matabunan din ang pag-asa na nariyan pa din sila at darating ang araw na magniningning sila ulit.

July, week four

ang haba ng linggong ito...

oo nga, wala ngang pasok nung monday, pero kulang pa din pala ang oras...

o hindi naman talaga kulang - kahit ano naman kasi ang mangyari, wala na tayong magagawa para bawasan o dagdagan pa ang oras...tinapos ko lang kasi ang Heroes nung monday - dahil mahaba din ang linggo ko last week...ewan ko kung bakit ko nagustuhan yun kahit na sobrang new age ang mga pilosopiya at kontexto ng palabas..pero yun na lang ang pahinga ko.

ang galing! nakakatuwa yung power ni Peter Petrelli na nakakaabsorb nya yung powers ng kung sino malapitan nya - una nyang nakuha (na nagamit nya) ay ang paglipad - sumunod na lang yung iba: invisibility, 'future painting', regeneration, etc..sayang nga lang, hindi niya alam gamitin. oh well..mga lima o anim na oras din ata ako nakahilata lang at nanonood nun - matagal ko nang hindi nagawa yun, dahil nga sa aking "vow" na "hindi manonood ng tv" on purpose, o kung masasayang oras ko. ok lang naman siguro yun, dahil inisip ko muna kung may kelangan pa ba akong gawin..nung wala na akong maalala, saka lang ako nanood.

gabi na ako nag-aral para sa recitation sa tuesday..tuesday ako nagprepare para sa FG sa wednesday..mali pala ako. kailangan na pala i-compile ang related literature para subject ko sa Research, at ipass sa thursday..hindi ko pa kasi natatapos basahin yung mga resources ko. tuesday ko natapos basahin - ayun, hindi ko naicompile, at syempre, hindi ko naipasa..pero madami kaming hindi nakapagpasa..malabo naman kasi ang instructions nya (ng prof..) kung ano ang gagawin - bukod pa dun, hindi pa nya (ng prof ulit..) ibinabalik yung mga nauna naming papers (every week may paper kami..) kaya hindi namin alam kung ano ang pagkakasunod sunod..at bukod pa dun, may paper din ako sa isa pang subject (Methods of Physical Conditioning) na may paper din every week..at ang paper na ipapass for this week ay bulk na daw ng final paper (ico-compile daw kasi lahat, then edit, then yun na ang final paper..) namin, kaya yun ang pinagtuunan ko ng pansin..

at bukod pa dun...

sa totoo lang, sa tingin ko, kaya ko sanang gawin yung dalawang paper na yun ng buong wednesday -natapos ko din naman kasi basahin ang mga sources ko para sa dalawang paper na yun nung tuesday pa lang (mahirap maging OC sa pagbabasa ng sources.. (>_<) )..pero ayos! biglang nagbrown out ng 9:45am ng wednesday.. sa kalagitnaan ng pagta-type at pagchachat, biglang tumigil ang mundo (ng elektrisidad)..10:30 na ay wala pa din kuryente..kaya nagdesisyon na lang ako na lumarga na papuntang UP..sa halip na matapos ko yung isang paper sa umaga, yun lang ang ginawa ko magdamag -hanggang alas-3 ng madaling araw - hindi ko na nasimulan yung paper sa Research..

ngayong umaga (friday), as usual, nagquiz kami sa pinakauna kong subject (Adapted PE, 7 to 8:30am) bilang magandang pagbati sa iyong araw..ayos! kakaiba ang quiz nya.."lecture quiz" daw..so nagle-"lecture" sya habang nagqquiz kami - at hindi na namin malaman kung ano ang tanong sa quiz at kung ano ang lecture, at kung ano ba talaga ang tanong..30 items ang "quiz"..badtrip.

nagpagawa ako ng referral letter sa CHK lib, para sa Central Library ng DOH ("DOH Main Library" pa ang tawag ko..)..pumunta ako ng 1pm..alam ko kung pano magpunta galing monumento, pero hindi galing UP (anlabo..)..magkaiba kasi ang pinanggalingan..pero basta, yun..isa na namang araw ng Great Adventures of Billy ang friday na ito..mukha akong ewan sa jeep papuntang Quiapio sa pag-aabang ng "Gen Forbes Street" (sabi ng tatay ko na may sakayan ng jeep papuntang tayuman) pero hindi din ako dun nagpunta, kundi sa Lacson..as usual, ayokong magpahalatang naliligaw ako (nyahaha!) - pero hindi pa naman ako naliligaw..mabuti at saktong napuno yung jeep na nag-aabang, kaya sa next jeep na kami pinasakay - at saktong katabi ko si manong driver sa harap..ayuuuss!

kakaiba ang feeling sa loob ng DOH..siguro din dahil gusto kong isipin na balang araw ay babalik ako dun..(?) pero "gusto" ko lang isipin - hindi ko talaga iniisip..ayoko din magpahalatang first time ko mag-library dun..kaya diretso ako sa desk ng librarian pagpasok at tinanong kung saan ang OPAC..at ayos! nasa kanan ko lang pala..sinabi ko na lang na malabo pandinig ko, kaya hindi ko nakita..salamat sa Diyos sa pagingat nya sa akin..at salamat sa kanya dahil hindi nasayang ang pagpunta ko dun..nahanap ko naman ang ilan sa aking mga kailangan, at mas malinaw na ang nais kong makita para sa Research..hindi na ako nakahabol sa BigF sa esbi..4pm ata nagsasara yung lib, pero maaga ako umalis, mga 3:30 - maaga para makahabol pa sa BigF..pero hindi ko kasi nafigure out agad na madali lang pala bumalik - nakasakay na ako sa LRT1 nang maisip ko..owel...sayang wala akong superpowers tulad ng mga characters sa Heroes..o baka meron naman talaga,.ang problema nga lang,parang yung kay peter na nakakaabsorb lang, at hindi pa ako natatabihan ng meron..pero kahit meron, naging masyadong mahaba na din naman ang linggo ko para magkaroon pa ng lakas para lumipad.

(ang daldal ko na naman sa blog..mas nakakapagod magsalita kaysa magtype..)

transformers

(07/11/07; 7:56pm) nalalasahan ko pa ang brocolli, pepperoni, at white sauce sa aking dila nang dumiretso kami sa Cinema6... (tatlong flavor ng sbarro...(o_O) kadiri din pala kapag napuna mo na tatlong flavors na nagkahalo-halo yun..tatlo dude..tatlo... o well.. ganyan ang buhay..buhay matakaw..nyahaha!)

hindi pa ako muling nakakapasok sa sinehan simula nang - - - di ko na maalala kung ano ang pinakahuling movie na napanood ko. ngunit eto na ako ngayon, may hawak ng tiket, at handa nang pumasok. maaga kami ng mga ilang minuto bago ang simula ng palabas (kung ako lang ang manonood, o kung ako ang masusunod, papasok ako anytime kahit sa kalagitnaan ng sine..eniweys...kasama ko sila barbi at bcel.) ilang trailers muna ang lumipas bago nagsimula ang sine. ang mga unang bahagi ay walang naging epekto sa akin. bago ang lahat ng nakikita ko sa screen...

ngunit - nagbago ang lahat nang lumabas si Optimus Prime... isang kakaibang pakiramdam ang dumaloy sa aking mga laman - ang pakiramdam ng dati. pakiramdam ng - - pag-iwan sa pagkain upang umakyat at manood ng tv...isama pa si kuya...paglakas ng volume at pagtalon-talon dahil sa excitement na mapanood ang cartoons; o, gusto ko lang tumalon na walang dahilan; o napapatalon lang talaga ako...pag-aaliw sa sarili sa gumagalaw na mga makukulay na hugis - barilan, lipad, habulan, transform, habulan, lipad...pakiramdam na walang ibang iniisip kundi - - wala talaga - - wala...pakiramdam ng 'aftershock' matapos manood - iniisip na lahat ng laruan ay kayang magtransform...iniisip na ang pulang laruang truck na hawak ko ay si Optimus Prime..sya kasi ang paborito ko nun - hindi lang sya ang bida, kundi dahil sya ang pinakamalaki sa kanila...gusto ko naman din si StarScream, at saka yung helicopter (anu nga ba pangalan nun???..)...

pero iba si Optimus Prime. at nang nagpakita sya sa screen, tila natigil ang mundo ko - nagbalik sa nakaraan - sampung taon mahigit ang nakalipas - sa nakaraan na gumagalaw na mga makukulay na hugis pa lang sila. nakakamiss din pala ang mga panahong iyon - mga panahon na kasama ko pa si kuya at kalaro manood ng tv. mga panahon na walang ibang kelangan isipin - tumalon lang ng tumalon. panahon na kapag natapos ka tumalon, tatalon ka ulit - at pagagalitan ng yaya dahil maingay daw. panahon na hindi na alintana kung ano ang pagkain, kung sbarro man o hindi - dahil hindi ko naman din uubusin. panahon na pinangarap ko dati magkaron ng sasakyan na nagiging robot - panahon na hindi kelangan na may saysay ang lahat.

balik sa aksyon.

medyo naging nakakapagod ang pelikula - halos tatlong oras na puro habulan at transform-an at barilan na hindi tumatalab..pero may aksyon din sakin, dahil nilabanan ko ang pagod na bumibilis ang paghabol dahil nga nakakapagod ang mga pangyayari...syempre, nanalo ang bida - at nabuhay pa nga si bumble bee (hindi na sya Volkswagen, kundi isang Sports Car na Chevrolet (?) - tsktsk...nasira ang simpleng ligaya..sapat na sana na nagiging robot sya). paglabas sa sinehan, parang lahat ng bakal ay bigla na lang mabubuo sa isang hugis na gumagalaw ng sarili, at aatake. pag-uwi, parang bigla may magtransform na bulok na sarao, may hawak na gulok na pulos kalawang- o magtransform yung bus na green na bago kung saan ako nakasakay...o baka pati yung sidecar...

ewan.

last full show yun...pag-uwi ay may dalawang paper ako na minadali - excited pa din kahit hindi naman dapat 'excitement' ang nararamdaman (pano magiging excited kung tapos na??)...mabuti at hindi nagtransform ang PC, kundi, wala ang maipapasa kinabukasan.

DISCLAIMER: oo, wala ako sa mood mag-blog sa English...

outbursts of a human heart

i want to be a cardiologist...

im obsessed with hearts...im interested about how the human heart functions, how it could improve performance, and whatever-things about the human heart...i am also dreaming of pumping a human heart with my own hands..then, my dad gave me a novel he read when he was still a college student (that was a loooong time ago..haha) and found out that being a cardiologist is a little different from from being a cardiac surgeon..well, i can be both..

anyway, let tomorrow (or the next two to five years) worry about itself...what i have to worry about right now is my thesis..it might be something about cardiovascular function and exercise - - - and doctors...i 'discussed' it with my dad these past few days, and through his help, perculated my thoughts..he also suggested visiting DOH (Department of Health), NEC (National Epidemiology Center), and PHC (Philippine Heart Center). The thought of going to a hospital, particularly to a hospital with whatever-things about the human heart, and to medical institutions made me feel a little chill of excitement..but now, i have "what-if??"s in my head..what if it isn't God's will? what if i have to go to somewhere else? what if i have to practice or explore other things first? what if this..and what if that.. (or, what if im destined to be a bum..??? haha)

being a Christian might be confusing (well, for me at least..). im excited - and at the same time,i am anxious. i like the thrill of not knowing where to go and what to do next, and most especially, i love to trust in Him about my decisions and His will for me, and find out how i would praise Him for His greatness and awesome work - but i still have the desire and urge to know and nag and be anxious about what's next....i still have a lot to learn...not just about how human hearts work and everything-physiology-and-anatomy, but about how my own human heart would act and respond to His will..

may His will be done indeed in my life. Lord, make me count the cost of obedience, and give me strength to endure and persevere for You. The days You have been faithful to me is innumerable. make me learn to trust You more and more.

all for Your glory.

june 27 2007

ayaw ko pa matulog...

gusto kong sulitin ang ika-20 kaarawan ko. kelangan ba maging masaya? o kelangan ba malungkot?

salamat sa Diyos sa mga bumati sa akin. salamat sa mga bumati sa bday ko. di lang dahil naalala nyo ako, pero dahil pinaalala nyo din sa akin na bday ko pala. may mga pagkakataon kasi dati na lumilipas lang tlga ang june27. pero ngayon, sa dinami dami ng binati, di ko nagawang hindi magbalik tanaw sa mga ginawa ni Lord sa akin. salamat uli at pinaalala nyo sa akin, or tinulungan nyo akong mag-alaala. tinulungan nyo din ako na maglook forward sa future. ewan ko lang kung sumobra ba ang paglook forward ko. bigla din akong kinabahan. ewan.

nalulungkot ako dahil kulang sa isang taon na lang ang itatagal ko sa UP Diliman. kakaiba ang bday na to kumpara sa mga lumipas na. parang panibagong yugto tlga ng buhay ko ang tatahakin. kulang sa isang taon na lang para sa pukpukang ministry sa campus. kulang sa isang taon para makapagrelate sa mga estudyante. kulang sa isang taon para mai-share ang buhay ko sa iba. kulang sa isang taon para ibuhos ang napakaraming energy sa napakaraming bagay. ewan. di ko naman naisip na magiibang anyo ako kapag nawala yung "teen" sa edad. pero kahit naman nung teen ako, mukha daw akong matanda (ayaw lang nilang sabihing 'mature' at pogi..nyahaha!). andaming kelangan harapin. kahit ngayon pa lang, sa pagtatapos ng 2007 ay nakikita ko nang madaming mangyayari. Thesis. Esbi. NMAT. mga bagay na pinag-iikutan ng isip ko.

magulo.

pero masaya din dahil sa 20 taon na lumipas - sa dinami-dami ng pinagdaanan at hinarap, nakita ko kung gaano naging faithful si Lord. at lubos lubos ang aking ligaya sa twing inaalala ang mga ito. ang mga masalimuot na panahon. ang pagrealize ng sariling unworthiness. ang pagbabago. ang grace Niya. ang layunin at pagtawag Niya sa akin. ang mga pagtalikod. ang pagpupumilit Niya sa bawat kong pagpalag. at ang kanyang araw-araw na pag-ibig.

naiisip ko din naman na bakit kaya yung iba, 'komportable' ang buhay? bakit sila 'konti lang ang iniisip?' pero nakakatuwa dahil hindi ako iniiwan ni Lord. sa bawat tanong ay andyan ang kanyang kamay - wala na lang akong imik. tatahimik na lang.

ano na kaya ang sunod?

sa mga naalala ko, kailangan pa bang itanong yan?? andami na Niyang ginawa - 20 taon pa lang, pero mahirap na nga magbilang (tres lang ako sa math17..). kelangan lang isurrender ang sarili. maghanda para sa kung ano man ang gagawin Niya. ayaw kong manguna. ihanda lang ang sarili. wag kabahan. sumuko. maghanda. hindi ko pa alam ang magiging direksyon ng buhay ko - hanggat hindi naa-approve ang thesis topic ko. hanggat hindi pa ako nakakapag-exam sa NMAT at lumabas ang result. hanggat wala pang nangyayaring malaki sa mga pinagkakaabalahan. hanggat malabo pa ang mga bagay bagay. pero kailangan pa nga bang luminaw para magtiwala sa Kanya?

salamat sa pagpapaalala na hindi ko naman alam ang lahat dati. salamat sa pagpapaalala na kailangan ko lang patatagin palagi ang faith ko sa Kanya.

sana nga ay mas tumatag pa ang pagtiwala ko sa Kanya. sinimulan ko ang araw na ngarag - dahil napuyat ako at late nagising. dahil nagmadali ako papuntang UP, at walang masakyang jeep sa Quezon Ave. dahil nagtitipid sana ako pero kinailangan kong sumakay ng dalawang jeep, kaya doble gastos sa pamasahe. dahil na late ako sa FG intro ng esbi. dahil late na kami nakapag start ng exec mtg. dahil... dahil late na din kami natapos, at na-late ako sa prayer mtg.

pagod ako pagdating sa prayer mtg. pinagpray ako ng mga pastor nung patapos na yung program. andami nabanggit ni Pastor D. nagulat ako sa ilan. hehe, lalo na nang ipagpray nya ang "Life Partner" ko. (o_0) haha, nauna pa yun kaysa sa pagpray sa future career ko. di ko inexpect na naisip nya yun..?!? napa-mulat ako at natatawa. pinigilan ko naman. nagulat talaga ako, hindi ko inexpect - buti pa ako, hindi ko pa iniisip yun. haha. oo nga, madami ang nagtatanong. kailangan na bang isipin? nakakatakot din naman sabihin na "conviction yun ng Holy Spirit para maipagpray sa iyo." haha. pero sabi ko nga, madaming mga bagay na hindi na dapat itanong o isipin...?? sa ngayon..? pero basta, anlabo lang talaga. haha.

sa bawat sandali ng araw na ito ay pinaalala Niya ang kabutihan Niya.

wala na akong ihaharap.

wala na akong sasabihin.

(DISCLAIMER: una, isang taon na din pala halos na hindi ako nakapag-blog. ikalawa, Blog ko to. at salamat din pala dahil nakabili ako ng "bday gift" para sa aking sarili.)

"if the world is sane, then Jesus is mad as a hatter and the Last Supper is the Mad Tea Party.

The world says, Mind your own business,
and Jesus says, There is no such thing as your own business.
The world says, Follow the wisest course and be a success,
and Jesus says, Follow me and be crucified.
The world says, Drive carefully - the life you save may be your own -
and Jesus says, Whoever would save his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.
The world says, Law and order,
and Jesus says, Love.
The world says, Get,
and Jesus says, Give.

In terms of the world's sanity, Jesus is crazy as a coot, and anybody who thinks he can follow him without being a little crazy too is laboring less under the cross than under a delusion. 'We are fools for Christ's sake,' Paul says, faith says - the faith that ultimately the foolishness of God is wiser than the wisdom of men, the lunacy of Jesus saner than the grim sanity of the world."

-Frederick Buechner

Things you'll never hear a drummer say:

from drumbum.com newsletter...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
1.) Yea, I was the one speeding up.
2.) You guys take a break...I'll get the rest of the equipment loaded.
3.) No thanks, I'd rather not play any tune that showcases any sort of interesting rhythmic twists or kicks.
4.) Maybe for this song we should get a drum machine.
5.) Where can I find a Hello Kitty bass drum head?
6.) What's a rudiment?
7.) Does this throne make my butt look big?
8.) My drum solo is waaaay too long. We should cut it out and put in a guitar solo.
9.) The chick singer is way too hot. She's gonna have to go!

bits and pieces from last week...

02/12/2007
-in my bio11 class, we started to skin our own preserved frog specimens.. i named my frog, "kokak" - he was such a nice frog (im sure he's a 'he' because his stomach wasn't bloated with eggs).. it was my first time to skin (and later, dissect..) a preserved frog. back in highschool, our bio professor didnt even dream of letting us hold of the frog specimen - he knows he's gonna see the frog on the ceiling, or on one of our classmates pants (or skirt..) if he let us. so there i was - i tried to figure out what to do.. how to cut a clean "I" or a "V"..and not to look bad if something disastrous happens.. i found out that skinning a frog was a bit stress releasing.. and the smell of the formalin even adds to the bliss..
i even remembered eating fried chicken, or steamed fish, or tinolang manok, or isaw, while skinning kokak.. i was already enjoying it, but thanks to my own frog skinning expertise, i sliced the gracilis minor muscle with kokak's skin and became one of my teacher's privileged example for the class -
"ayan, tingnan nyo si billy..yan ang hindi nyo dapat gayahin.."

oh well.. at least i learned something - it pays to be patient.

02/13/2007
my 1:00-2:30pm class was dismissed early..i decided to go to the college of music's library, and finally look for some drumming books. it was my first time to enter their library..i searched for joe morello's "Master Studies" in the opac, but argh..it wasnt on shelf.. the librarian might have seen my despair, so he willingfully offered me some books. one of them was Peter Erskines' "Drum Concepts and Techniques" where i learned some ideas, and copied some drummer-quotes. one of them was stated by Professor Jiggswhigham from the Musikhockschule,

"there are no limits out there...if you can conceive it, you can produce it on your instrument with work.."

..even his name was funky..

5:30 onwards
- we walked from esbi tambayan to KFC tandang sora (o ha, o ha..), not because we didnt have wheels or we were saving cash, but because we didnt have wheels and we were saving cash..(o_0) then went to monci's place for the SVCF Gents night. other details are not for public consumption.

wahaha! (as if ure curious...)

02/14/2007
-i went home after the gent's night..then slept the whole afternoon (1:30 to 4:47pm).. then went to church to submit our youth ministry proposal to our senior pastor..but i wasnt early enough so i had to wait for 2 hours.. thankfully, its my dads bday on the 15th, so there was a caldereta treat for the prayer meeting.
then i went to esem north for juddy pearl's (anak kong makulit.. (>_<) bday treat at sbarro and shakey's ice cream bar. arrived home at 11:30, slept late again.. what else?

02/15/2007
-we continued our dissecting adventures in bio class.. we finished early, and our class enjoyed enough that we even proceeded to go to the digestive system. poor kokak. =( i was supposed to be interviewed at 2:30pm.. waited in esbi tambayan for an hour..exam on a major subject the next day, but i didnt have the energy to study after i saw kokak's inner parts.. but maybe it wasn't heavens will for me to be interviewed-yet..muhaha! re-scheduled tomorrow afternoon..so help me, God.

02/16/2007
-tiresome.
even just thinking about last friday makes me tired right now..
8:30-10:45am - Basic Fitness Dance Class. our main workout focused on 'aerobic circuit training', which i think was used to torture prisoners of war.. the treadmill was 'invented' when soldiers once tried to torture their prisoners by making them run non-stop on the ancient treadmill. but to their surprise, their prisoners just got fatigued but adapted and ran longer after some time.. maybe the aerobic circuit training workout was also once used to torture prisoners - prisoner/students..
10:20-11:33am - took my dreaded hk115 exam.. the exam was supposed to be easy - i knew it was easy, but i didnt have enough time to study the day before..so i said goodbye to my hopes of getting a good grade on that exam..
11:45-1:00pm - went directly to UPIS for the regular ISCF fellowship after i left my bag on esbi tambayan. we only had three students when we started because it was their 'teachers day'..two other students added to our group and were just in time for the conclusion part of our bible study..but i was still blessed because of their perseverance and desire to meet..i pray that God will use the iscf in upis for the students to know Christ more, and prepare them for his kingdom..
1:15-2:00pm - i (literally..) ran from upis back to the acad oval to get an ikot ride to the chk gym..thankfully, we didnt have any serious lesson or activity in class.. and i still got to write my name on the attendance sheet and wasnt considered late though i arrived at about 1:35pm..2:45-4:15pm - one-on-one FG with james (until yang arrived at 3:15..?).. he lead the bible study on the topic "Sovereignity of God." i evaluated him and was blessed on all his efforts, even though the applicants enrolled in our group were nowhere to be found..
5:30-6:15pm - fulfilled my emcee duties (for the first time) for the bigf..
7:00-sat afternoon - Student Leader's Retreat!

02/18/2007
i had a nightmare.. you were in my dreams..

==========================================================
i praise God for all His blessings to me this past week..
surely, words wont be enough...

Shout for joy to God, all the earth!
Sing the glory of his name;
make his praise glorious.

Say to God, "How awesome are your deeds!
So great is your power that your enemies cringe before you.
All the earth bows down to you;
they sing praise to you, they sing the praises of your name."

Come and see what God has done,
his awesome deeds for us! let us rejoice in him!

Praise our God, all peoples,
let the sound of his praise be heard;
I will come to your temple
with burnt offerings and fulfill my vows to you—
vows my lips promised
and my mouth spoke when I was in trouble.

Come and hear, all you who fear God;
let me tell you what he has done for me.
I cried out to him with my mouth;
his praise was on my tongue.

If I had cherished sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened;
but God has surely listened and has heard my prayer.

Praise be to God,
who has not rejected my prayer
or withheld his love from me!

- Psalm 66

your time has come.

...you hit the cymbals, make a couple of rolls and some mind-cracking and nerve-wrecking fills... you twirl your stick before hitting the splash on your right... bright lights dance while you do some upbeats on your hi-hat... then you let your toms sing their hearts out... your sticks made a few quick but powerful strokes on your floor tom before making their way back to your snare...

you know that the moment you have isn't long - but it doesn't matter.

and then you start your last few rolls... you hit your snare while pounding your bass drum with double peds, as if you're trying to defy a legion of marching bands... the music is still playing in your ears, but your time is now about to end...

and its up to you.

...welcome silence and make music, or let your hands continue to unleash their energy on your sticks and transform the music you produced to noise...

...you made your sticks run their final combinations around the drumset - all over the place...

then you stopped.

but the music is still alive in your veins... it should be. its not supposed to cease.

and its not about the drumset, sticks, or whatever... all that matters is how you relate to the music... you should not get rid of or even try to suppress the music inside of you... just let it play and perculate in your head... if there is an opportunity to practice or simulate whats in your head, then do so... make every effort to translate it to your hands, then to the sticks your holding... and when your time comes again, playing the music in your head won't be of much effort...

you wouldnt even have to think of how youre going to do it, or whats coming next.... you just play.

=========================================================
“I religiously follow a constantly-evolving practice routine. It’s not glamorous, but for me daily practice is a principle source of growth and inspiration in my playing...”
-Thomas Lang

nyahaha!! astig!

English movie titles you DEFINITELY should NOT translate in Filipino =)

1. black hawk down - ibong maitim sa ibaba
2. dead man's chest - dodo ng patay
3. i know what you did last summer - uyy... aminin!
4. love, actually - sa totoo lang, pag-ibig
5. million dollar baby - 50 million pisong sanggol (it depends on the exchange rate of the country)
6. the blair witch project - ang proyekto ng bruhang si blair
7. mary poppins - si mariang may putok
8. snakes on a plane - nag-ahasan sa ere
9. the postman always rings twice - ang kartero kapag dumutdot laging dalawang beses
10. sum of all fears - takot mo, takot ko, takot nating lahat
11. swordfish - talakitok
12. pretty woman - ganda ng lola mo
13. robin hood, men in tights - si robin hood at ang mga felix bakat
14. 4 weddings & a funeral - kahit 4 na beses ka pang magpakasal, mamamatay ka rin
15. the good, the bad and the ugly - ako, ikaw, kayong lahat
16. harry potter and the sorcerer's stone - adik si harry, tumira ng shabu
17. click - isang pindot ka lang
18. brokeback mountain - may nawasak sa likod ng bundok ng tralala/bumigay sa bundok
19. the day of the death - ayaw tumayo (ng mga patay)
20. waterworld - basang-basa
21. there's something about mary - may kwan sa ano ni maria
22. employee of the month - ang sipsip
23. resident evil - ang biyenan
24. kill bill - kilitiin sa bilbil
25. the grudge - lintik lang ang walang ganti
26. nightmare before christmas - binangungot sa noche buena
27. never been kissed - pangit kasi
28. gone in 60 seconds - 1 round, tulog
29. the fast and the furious - ang bitin, galit
30. too fast, too furious - kapag sobrang bitin, sobrang galit
31. dude, where's my car - dong, anong level ulit tayo nag-park?
32. beauty and the beast - ang asawa ko at ang nanay nya
33. the lord of the rings - ang alahero